Last night I began thinking that maybe the anti-gun politicians aren’t so wrong after all. Hear me out! See, guns are used to injure and hurt people, so naturally people shouldn’t have access to them. Anything than can hurt someone should be taken away so that it can’t hurt anyone. Then we can all live peaceful lives, right? Guns are a good place to start, but why stop there? Here is a list of things that rhyme with gun that ought to also be controlled. For your convenience I’ve alphabetized the list:
Bun Control – I’m not talking standard hot dog and hamburger buns. I’m talking the sugar and saturated fat-filled icing covered buns. The kind you find individually wrapped on the snack cake stand in any gas station convenience store, usually sell for about a buck, and anyone can buy them! People are eating these iced buns and filling their bodies with harmful refined sugars and artery assaulting fats. I suggest Congress pass a law that restricts the sale and distribution of these buns to government office vending machines and require doctor approval before any civilian can purchase one. People can’t handle their own eating habits.
Fun Control – Listen, I like to have fun as much as anyone, but come one! It’s getting out of hand. Have you seen some of those YouTube videos of people having fun? You know the type: kids jumping off of cliffs into water, swinging on ropes, riding bikes off ramps, snowboarding, playing rock and roll music. Just generally having fun. Well, this needs to be curtailed. Time is being wasted on these endeavors, for one thing, but also, people get hurt. Kids fall, break bones, blow out ear drums; enough is enough. Congress needs to step in and regulate how people spend their recreational time. People can’t schedule their own fun activities responsibly.
Gun Control – You know about this one. Next!
Hun Control – I don’t know if you’ve ever seen the Disney studios documentary, Mulan, or not, but I have. Do you remember those superhuman giants, the Huns? Remember all the trouble Donny Osmond‘s voice had in making men out of that rag tag, motley crew he was given? They ended up being able to defeat the enemy, but it wasn’t all singing and dancing, was it? Not at all. I’m not sure where the Huns are these days, but I’m pretty sure wherever they are Congress ought to be controlling them somehow. People can’t defend themselves properly on their own against cartoon caricature (that’s a tough word to spell!) of an historic group of marauders.
Nun Control – A friend of mine attended Catholic school, with Nun teachers. A school with none teachers? Sign me up. Just kidding. Nuns are known to be very strict and teach their beliefs in private schools to children whose parents sent them there to learn exactly what the nuns are teaching. They shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Also, the whole smacking hands with rulers, that shouldn’t happen. Seriously, pause the satire for a minute, I’m not a supporter of corporal punishment. Return to satire. Congress needs to stop nuns from fulfilling their religious duty and imparting scriptural and faith based learning to willing participants, or at least, children of willing participants. People can’t determine what they actually think and believe, the government should do it for them.
Pun Control – Actually, I think I’ve got this one under control myself. I’ll take care of you all.
Run Control – When was the last time you ran and didn’t feel like vomiting? Didn’t get any sore muscles? That recently, huh? Well good for you Mr. or Ms. Olympia! Some of us aren’t quite so fortunate as to maintain a healthy exercise routine and don’t exactly enjoy running. We shouldn’t have to. Not in gym classes, not in community sports leagues and not when the neighborhood wandering dog is chasing you. If Congress could just get together and figure something out I’m sure we’d all be a lot happier and have less of those awful side cramps. People can’t determine when they should or shouldn’t run, leave that to Congress.
Sun Control -What factor contributes to more discomfort throughout the year than any other? The Sun. In the summer it is too hot, burning your skin and making you sweat. In the winter it isn’t hot enough, resulting in snow and frozen landscapes. Something needs to be done about that sun! Sometimes it shines and we smile, but then our skin turns red, itches, flakes off and thirty years later turns cancerous. Other times the sun doesn’t shine and we shiver and can’t see what we are doing without artificial light. I don’t know if Congress can do it alone, maybe if the President will use all of the power he has access to in his office then something can be done. Perhaps a bipartisan agreement can be worked out to where the sun shines an appropriate amount every day, all day. We’ll always be warm and always have natural light. Every day will be the same! Won’t that be great! People can’t control their exposure to the sun, we need political involvement to help out.
That’s it. That’s the list of things that rhyme with gun that should be better controlled. And in the final example we see where this is all headed and what it is all about: sameness. I’ve mentioned I recently read The Giver by Louis Lowry, I think I mentioned it, at any rate, I have mentioned it now. If you haven’t read the book since 7th grade, or never at all, I suggest you read it. It is a dystopian novel about a future when all things are absolutely controlled and everyone exists in a state of “sameness” as the book calls it. The people are happy only because they don’t know there is anything better. But we do know that there are better things, so we can’t allow ourselves to be nudged into a state of sameness. Forget gun control and soda bans and carbon credits and domestic drones, forget them and focus on the root problem: people. We need self-control. When we master self-control those other things will fall into place, but only if we are united. Some of us already work towards improving our self-control everyday, and apparently it isn’t enough. We all need to work together on individually controlling ourselves first. It has to start inside each individual.